Respect the Rats: The One Word Secret of Helping People Change Without Giving Advice

“When people experience autonomy, they feel more alive, more creative, and more fulfilled.” — Edward Deci & Richard Ryan, Self-Determination Theory

“Don’t tell me what to do.” We’ve all felt it. Whether it’s an unsolicited lecture from a neighbor, a boss who micromanages, or even well-meaning advice from a friend, our hackles rise.

Why? Because autonomy—the freedom to choose—isn’t just nice. It’s essential for living the good life. In fact, according to researchers, people really can’t live the good life without a healthy degree of autonomy.

Here is some old research which made me smile years ago when I first read it. The research started out, as I recall, in trying to find out what sort of lighting rats prefer. They were given some choices and ways to switch their own lighting. 

The rats did clearly have a favorite light setting. They consistently chose dimmish.

However, this was the big surprise.  And it happened by accident.  The researchers set the light on the rats’ preference, but the rats changed it.  The light setting those rats chose was NOT their preferred lighting. What? Why?

 The researchers chalked it up to the rats showing who is the boss of them. They were exerting their autonomy.

When I told my friend Suzanne about this study years ago.  I said, “What do you think of that?  She laughed and said, “Well, I have a lot more respect for rats!” Well, maybe we should have more respect for everyone.

The whole conversation had come about because we were talking about how our kids even as toddlers often said, “You’re not the boss of me.” (And we were quite sure that we were the bosses.)

My mother, a psychologist, knew the importance of giving kids autonomy. Once when she left town, she hung five dresses for me to wear while she was gone. “You can pick the order,” she said. A sweet gesture. She tried. But not near enough autonomy as far as I was concerned.

I preferred to wear my Easter red polka-dotted Swiss dress with three crinoline slips under it… five days in a row. To me, it wasn’t rebellion. It was joy. It was true autonomy. Nobody was bossing me around in terms of what I wore that 9^th year of my life. (I wore her rhinestone earrings and necklace too on picture day. I still remember the complete happiness.)

Here’s the thing: when people feel cornered, they push back. But when they’re trusted with freedom—even in small ways—they tend to flourish. And while I’m at it, I might as well throw autonomy ideas:

• Teaching: Let students pick their own topics (or way to show their knowledge or choose projects to work on which meet the curriculum goals)—it sparks energy.

• Managing: Give people say in how they reach goals and how they are held accountable for outcomes. (There are many cases of workers actively and passively sabotaging their workplace because of authoritarian bosses.)

• Parenting: Set boundaries but leave wiggle room—kids learn responsibility.

• Living your own life: Notice where you’ve given up choice. Reclaim small freedoms. (Wear the polka-dot dress if you want to, but maybe not out in public five days in a row.)

  
  

Respecting autonomy may be one of the simplest, most overlooked secrets to the good life. Even the rats know it.

But now, let me take a serious turn.  The blog today seems urgent for another reason. I am reflecting on my friend Pete’s funeral yesterday.

At one point Pete’s daughter took the mic and added her memories of her father.  After sharing her love and some happy memories, she choked up.

 “I just couldn’t understand why he chose to abuse his body the way he did.” An ex-wife sat quietly nearby—someone who had once loved him enough to try an intervention, only to give up after years of finding him passed out most nights on the couch. Friends and family felt the same helpless ache: We wanted Pete to live. We just didn’t know how to help.

Pete’s story isn’t unique. When someone struggles with addiction or self-destructive habits, those who love them often reach first for the tools that don’t work. We nag. We plead. We scold. We stage dramatic interventions. Sometimes we even withdraw in anger. These strategies, however well-intentioned, often backfire. Instead of inspiring change, they can deepen denial, fuel shame, and fracture relationships.

Why? Oh, please. Must you ask? Because most of us hate being told what to do—especially about the most personal parts of our lives. Autonomy is central to human dignity. Remember? Without respecting a person’s autonomy, even the best advice lands like an attack.

So… what can friends and family do to help the people they love change? Psychologists James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, in their research on the six stages of change, discovered that people rarely transform in one giant leap. Change unfolds in six stages, and when we understand them, we can walk alongside someone without pushing them away. One of the basic tenets is that people can change when they are ready and want to change - the model is called transtheoretical theory of change.

(Remember the light bulb jokes? Like how many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Seven. One to install the bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. And, so, how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer: only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.)

Precontemplation (Not Ready).

At this stage, the person doesn’t believe they have a problem. Nagging or shaming only hardens resistance. What helps is staying present—listening, showing care, planting small seeds of awareness.

Contemplation (Thinking About It).

Here, a person begins to wonder if change is needed. Instead of rushing with quick fixes, we can ask open questions: “What do you imagine life would look like without smoking and with drinking only one martini at night?” Space to reflect honors their freedom.

Preparation (Ready).

If the person decides to try, they may make plans—calling a doctor, joining a support group, telling a friend. Our role is practical: encouraging, offering resources if wanted, helping reduce barriers.

Action.

This is when real change begins—throwing out the cigarettes, showing up to meetings, replacing habits with healthier ones. Stumbles are inevitable. What helps most is encouragement, celebrating progress, and reminding them setbacks don’t erase growth.

Maintenance.

Over time, new habits take root. Loved ones can support by affirming their efforts and respecting boundaries. Autonomy means trusting them to carry their own recovery.

Termination.

For some, the old behavior no longer holds any pull. For others, vigilance remains lifelong. Either way, support continues by recognizing and honoring the hard-won identity shift.

Pete didn’t make it.  And it hurt his family and friends. It makes me sad right now. And it nudges me, and maybe you, to consider what families and friends can do differently. Instead of interventions that corner people, or advice that strips away dignity, we can offer presence, patience, and respect for autonomy (Here's a link to an article I just read about a young Tennessee woman, grew up in my stamping ground, who recovered from substance abuse and bank robbing and came full circle to become an assistant professor at John's Hopkins. She is changing our ideas about addiction and emphasizes the role of choice and personal desire. Worth a read to see what is possible and the complexity of the problem.)

Love doesn’t mean controlling someone’s choices. It means walking beside them, ready to support when they take a step, and steady when they falter. It’s not flashy. It’s not fast. But sometimes, it’s the only thing that truly opens the door to change.

It can help us to use a little mantra to control our ineffective nagging and brilliant unwanted advice: Respect the Rats.

How might we journey together to the Good Life by understanding the importance of autonomy and how to use it effectively especially in our relationships?