How to Make Yourself Happy Naturally: Listen to Your Three Emotional Systems and Take a Daily DOSE

"Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions." – Dalai Lama

Last night John and I were trying to figure out why we weren’t up to snuff. It was one of those days when life kinda feels like it sucks. And we were down on ourselves for feeling bad which only made things worse.

That’s when I started thinking again about something I’ve written about before which I call balancing our three inner wolves or minnions.  I got the idea originally from psychologist and compassion expert, Dr. Paul Gilbert (who is an absolute kick in the pants which tells you a lot about how he sees life). Paul reminds people to not be mad at themselves. We just need to understand how we are wired. Gilbert mostly talks and writes about our three emotional systems: Threat, Drive, and Soothing.

Lately, other researchers have been giving us info about how to help those emotional systems function well so that we naturally release four of our brain's feel good chemicals. Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins.

Turns out, feeling good—and living a good life—isn’t just about working hard or relaxing more. It’s about tending to all three emotional systems in a way that lets our natural “feel good” chemistry work the way it’s meant to.

“When we stimulate our threat and drive systems too much, and neglect our soothing system,” psychologist Paul Gilbert says, “we can become stuck in loops of striving and self-criticism. Compassion restores balance.”

Let’s talk about how we have systems aimed to protect, chase, and belong.

We all have a Threat System that keeps us safe. It’s like a smoke alarm: helpful if there’s a fire, annoying if it keeps going off when you’re just making toast.

We also have a Drive System. That’s where dopamine lives. It kicks in when we set goals, win awards, learn something new. Unfortunately, that’s also what gets us checking our phones over and over for new messages or likes to something we have posted on social media.

But the third one—the Soothing System—is where most of us forget to invest our time. And it’s hugely important. That’s the system that helps us feel safe, connected, content. It runs on oxytocin, serotonin, and those cozy endorphins that show up when we laugh or hug a friend.

When we feel off – that life sucks, our body is sending us a message to course correct.  We need to do something to boost certain brain chemicals. An easy way to remember these is the acronym D.O.S.E.

At a brain-chemical level, here’s what’s going on:

• Dopamine keeps us motivated but too much makes us restless.

• Oxytocin makes us trust and bond with others.

• Serotonin helps us feel important, safe, balanced.

• Endorphins soothe pain and give us those warm feelings after exercise or a good laugh.

  
  

“If we only stimulate competition and status-seeking,” as Kelly McGonigal says, “we forget that our brain was designed for connection, not just competition.”

If one of these is missing from your life—or worse, if Threat chemicals are in charge—happiness slips through your fingers.

All the emotional systems need to be addressed for us to get the feel good chemicals we need to flourish. That’s why smart people and old souls alike say similar things:

• Set goals and celebrate small wins (dopamine).

• Hug your loved ones, volunteer, sit quietly with someone (oxytocin).

• Practice gratitude, meditate, or take a walk outdoors (serotonin).

• Laugh, exercise, sing, play (endorphins).

  
  

Too much of one thing throws us off. We weren’t meant to work all the time. Nor were we meant to live only for others while ignoring our own needs.

Here are four questions we could ask ourselves at the end of the day:

• Did I feel safe today?

• Did I accomplish something?

• Did I connect with someone?

• Did I rest, laugh, or relax AND move my body?

  
  

Even better, we can be intentional, plan ahead, for a day that will allow us to feel safe, to accomplish something, to connect with someone, and to relax.

How John and I got back on track was to call a friend and ask him if he’d already eaten.  Luckily, he had not.  We met for dinner and he brought a couple of other family members.  It was a blast.

We had to work with ourselves to make that call.  Sometimes we are so down in the dumps that everything just feels too hard or maybe we don’t think what we can do will make a difference. We don’t take any initiative to get better.

The moment John and I got in our car to drive down our driveway I looked over at him.  I said, “You have a smile on your face.”  He stuck his tongue out at me - nobody likes to be around an I-told-you-so I guess.

But maybe you are okay with getting a little nudge from our predicament and from the offering of some neuroscience research.

A very simple book which helps you understand the D.O.S.E system is called The Dose Effect by TJ Power.  Don’t be put off by Power's youth.  He is a neuroscientist.  You probably already know a lot of this once you read it, but you’ll get some pearls and see the whole platform put together easy to understand way.

In the meantime, I liked a couple of tidbits in the book:

1.      For most of history (99% of our time here on earth), we spent 85% of our time outside.  In the modern world we are spending just 7%. That should give us a moment to pause and think about.  John and I absolutely notice how calm and relaxed we are while outside kayaking or when he’s on a little mountain hike.  I often give him a send off with… “Go let the mountain heal you.”

2.      Dopamine makes hard work and pain feel good. I had a friend who made a list that looked just like a to-do list. However, she put things on the list she had already done, then crossed them out.  She said it just felt good. As many of you know, a slap of cold water early in the morning or a cold shower revs you up. Not easy to make yourself do it, but it works.

3.      The things that cause low dopamine – sugary food, alcohol and drugs (including vapes), pornography, social media, gambling, online shopping. Ugh, can I give up that evening glass of wine?

4.      Addiction is the progressive narrowing of things that bring your pleasure. A GOOD LIFE IS THE PROGRESSIVE EXPANSION OF THE THINGS THAT BRING YOU PLEASURE!  (I think about this too from a spiritual angle.  Loving God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength nudges us to see beauty, goodness, friendliness - God incarnate in nature, in music, in people, meditation, in good times, in bad times, everything and everyone.  The mystics call this “holy joy.”

Let me take a bit of a lateral here which I believe is the privilege of blogging...that you can run off on a little rabbit trail occasionally. Einstein was once asked, "What's the most important question you can ask in life?" He replied, "is the universe a friendly place or not?" Mary Oliver, the lovely poet, wrote, "There is only one question: How to love the world?" The writer, Robert Sardello says, "Seeing the world as a friend is like seeing the world for the first time."

And one thing which really made me smile was a scene of the television show Friends that Power refers to.  I later looked it up on youtube.  The episode is called “A Selfless Good Deed.”  It did make me laugh.  Joey is telling Phoebe that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed because when we do good deeds, we feel happy. So, it's a selfish thing to do good deeds because of all the pleasure it brings us. Phoebe thinks it's a preposterous idea. She is sure she can do a good deed without feeling good. She tries. Please watch it if you’d like to experience a little shot of oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.

In the meantime, how might you plan a day that includes the activities that bring on the happy chemicals, that is, a day that involves:

Getting something done, connecting with others, relaxing, and feeling safe (sometimes you can do one activity which hits several of these. For example, I like to read.  When I read certain books, it both relaxes me and makes me feel safe.)

When talking to our granddaughter who is at horse camp this summer, it seems that she is getting a chance to balance the three emotional systems and receive a good DOSE of feel good chemicals.

The day starts with sunup, personal hygiene, a healthy, delicious breakfast with friends.  Next clean the cabin.  Afterwards, work with a group to complete a fix up project on the ranch.  Lunch. Long horseback ride. Dinner.  Dance, play soccer, or volleyball. Fish occasionally. Journal. Lights out. No electronics allowed.

I asked her how she felt at the end of the day.  Did she notice feelings of accomplishment, contentment, and satisfaction?  And even though she does miss home and her boyfriend, she answered with a thoughtful... “Yes.”

We don’t need to get down on ourselves when we feel down. Our bodies are giving us a message. We can be compassionate toward ourselves, listen, and take action. (And remember to watch that youtube clip for a smile.)

How might we journey together to the Good Life by understanding our emotional systems and their needs – and do activities to release and balance our natural feel-good hormones?