Re-purposing Ourselves; Stopping the Rippers and Becoming a Good Rippler

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples." — Mother Teresa

For years, my husband John began his days with a simple purpose: “To improve the quality of life of each person I have the opportunity to touch.” As I have mentioned previously.

As a dentist, that meant much more than fixing teeth. It meant smiling at patients, listening to their worries, encouraging their courage, and creating a calm place where fear could dissolve into trust. His work became a daily practice of kindness—rippling outward from chair to family to community. He saw his actions as promoting not only kindness but love and even world peace.

But then came retirement. The dental office as a platform for living his purpose disappeared... and “his people disappeared.” The purpose that had given rhythm and meaning to his life went quiet. He noticed his lack of energy and joy.

He still tried to keep himself going. For a time, John would prepare himself to go out the door humming a tune, The Impossible Dream, from Man of La Mancha.  He likened himself to Don Quixote—the dreamer in Man of La Mancha—tilting, jousting at windmills…trying ineffectively to make a better world.  But this may have been part of the problem.  His vision seemed impossible, over-the-top-idealistic.  It seemed to me that he grew more cynical…accepting that there was not really anything he could do because he had lost his platform.

Then, recently, as I mentioned in a previous blog, something beautiful happened. John didn’t find a new purpose—he chose one. He decided that purpose wasn’t about grandiosity but about contribution. He could even transfer, repurpose, the purpose he had always used in his dental practice by holding on to his intention to positively uplift people. He just needed to make it something specific, doable, meaningful and remind himself daily: “I will improve the quality of life of at least 10 people I have the opportunity to touch today.” He could do that without a dental office.

That number anchors him. It makes his purpose measurable and joyful—something to look forward to, not chase. He might offer a sincere compliment to a neighbor, listen to a friend, or share an encouraging word with a store clerk. The old dentist’s chair has become the world around him. Of course, he has to notice that he is in fact following through with his intention.  He is contributing in the way that he has chosen.

John sees uplifting people not only as a one-to-one act, but as an action which creates a ripple effect. One positive action doesn’t stop with the person who receives it—it spreads.

And he’s right. Harvard researchers and others studying emotional contagion find that happiness and generosity extend through social networks to friends, friends of friends, and even friends of friends of friends—up to three degrees of separation. In other words, your smile today might warm a stranger way beyond your own reach.

John has long understood how this works. In his dental practice, when a patient felt anxious or dismissed, they might go home and take out that tension on their spouse or child. That spouse, in turn, might carry that agitation to work or the grocery store. A single hurtful exchange could spiral outward, like invisible waves of discord.

Conversely, when he treated people with patience and kindness, they left lighter. They smiled at their family, listened better, maybe hugged their child instead of snapping. Those were the ripples of joy.

It’s the difference, I told John this morning, between being “Jack the Ripper” and “John the (good) Rippler.” That is what we must figure out how to do and keep doing for the sake of our own happiness and a better world. Stop the ripping and start the (uplifting) rippling.

Jack the Ripper, of course, was the infamous 19th-century London murderer who stabbed his victims. Most of us don’t stab with knives—but we can stab with sarcasm, impatience, or neglect. Those are emotional wounds that bleed quietly through our communities. Ripplers, on the other hand, intentionally heal. They stop the cuts before they spread.

The whole ripple effect was on my mind but in a negative way. Sunday, I was in a good mood.  Going to see a movie that I felt would be uplifting. As I approached the ticket counter at the theater, I asked the young clerk for one senior ticket and two adults. She snapped, “I’m not a mind reader.” My body tensed; anger flared. My cortisol spiked; joy drained. I could feel the beginnings of a rip.

That was the moment to pause. To breathe. To choose not to pass the rip along. I said quietly, “Ouch.” “That was not good.”  I didn’t give her a nasty look.  I didn’t escalate, but I also didn’t take advantage of an opportunity to heal the rip and start a positive ripple.  That’s going to take a little more work on my part. (See my on-going struggle by following that highlighted link from a previous post. I still have hope. I'm not done.)

Now, John is not tilting at metaphorical windmills. He’s changing the world—ten people at a time. He’s rediscovered what psychologists like Michael Steger call purpose as contribution. Purpose isn’t something we uncover in a grand epiphany; it’s something we create through daily acts of meaning.

By narrowing his focus, John’s heart has widened. His purpose keeps him vital, engaged, and hopeful. And his ripples—well, they’re traveling farther than either of us can see. Maybe to three degrees of separation. Maybe more.

Ideas if you’d like to be happy, be a positive rippler, and do your part to create a world we all would like to inhabit:

• Choose one small, specific way you can contribute daily—something doable and joyful. Then notice when you have accomplished your purpose; it will keep giving you energy and motivation and lift your spirits.

• When tension arises, pause before passing it on. It’s fine and maybe even helpful to notice that you’re experienced a rip, tend to it, and make a choice to stop the rip from negatively rippling.

• Look for ripples of kindness in your own life—and thank the “Ripplers” who’ve touched you.

• Remember: purpose isn’t found, it’s made—moment by moment, choice by choice.

How might we journey together by choosing our purpose, being specific and holding on to our intention about what we will contribute to the world; stopping rips and setting positive ripples in motion?

My first sidebar: Notice not only when we are ripping on others but also on ourselves. We cause a lot of damage in the world because we don't know how to handle the rips of our own internal critic.  How might we catch those inner critic rips and redirect them toward self-kindness?

My second sidebar: Love. John’s favorite word. Love. It's talked about a lot in all the wisdom literature, but science has not given it much attention. Barb Fredrickson wrote Love 2.0 but that’s about all that is out there…she’s talking primarily about creating micro moments of resonance and positivity and how that effects our health and well-being as well as others.

However, just today, in the International Journal of Wellbeing (which is offered free to the public), there’s an article by Dr. Tyler VanderWeele who heads up the Human Flourishing Program on the importance of promoting love throughout our relationships and throughout society as foundational for advancing human flourishing. It's a journal so it's not an easy read, but if you enjoy going deeper, check it out. Love may not be an impossible dream after all. It's comforting to know some serious attention is being given to love as foundational to flourishing and wellbeing.

Jack the Ripper was never caught though there were several suspects. He killed five women at least (slit their throats and some other grotesque stuff) between August 31st to November 9th, 1888. It started a wave of anti-semitism and xenophobia as paranoid swept, vigilante groups formed, and people wanted someone to blame. Then the ripping just stopped. Through DNA testing, some believe that a mental patient was the ripper. But some are still not ready to close the case. However he did leave a legacy and something to consider. He was the product of an increasingly industrialized Western society which produced anonymity and isolation. The killings did expose the poverty and social unrest of the lower classes which the wealthier classes seemed oblivious to. That actually led to some good by bringing widespread attention to the horrible conditions. Some have also urged us to let this remind us that potential violence is possible in all of us, we must work to nurture the good in ourselves and others.

How’s it going with your own living on purpose or your repurposing process... could you light up yourself and others by intentionally creating some positive ripples and re-directing the ripping?

This next part is a follow up to the previous post on re-purposing ourselves. It is excerpts from a long-time, incredible, wise friend, Suzanne MacPherson. Suzanne has agreed to let me share some of her thoughts in response to the blog in the hopes that her experience may help others.

We know how important the social connection is, especially in later life.  Since Johnny Mac died I have felt disconnected.  People I love and treasure have their own journeys and commitments.  At a time when I know I could benefit from my relationships, I find them more challenging to maintain.  What to do, what to do?????  My solution is to make things happen.  My main focus is on J.  I talk to her at least once a week and I see her two to four times a month.  It’s more challenging as she ages...I’ve bookended my time with J. by seeing more of [others].  It’s challenging with schedules, but it’s so worth the effort.  My point is, I can’t (and I shouldn’t) wait for a phone call or invitation.  Most of the plays and theatre-type things I go to, I go alone and I always see people I know and feel connected....

For me, I just had to set the ‘fear’ of being alone aside and get out into that world by myself.  I’m able to buy a seat to an event and be in the arts scene I so enjoy.  I’m not afraid to be out at night alone and I’m always fulfilled by what I’ve just experienced when I close my garage door.....

Johnny Mac had a favorite aunt who lived an example for us all.  She was loving, funny, and probably never made an excuse for anything in her life.  One time, when she was visiting with a friend who was bemoaning something that seemed trivial to her she counseled that friend by saying, “When I feel that way I just get off my ass and go to Alberston’s.”  That  still makes me laugh.  Her point was that one should not wallow. Instead, get out among people and bright lights.  I’m not, for one moment, discounting struggle!!!!!!  My willingness to recognize that I’m alone AND I can find contact with others all by myself is my version of “going to Albertson’s.” 

We are our own best friends.  We know, inherently, what we require.  WE ARE THE ARTISTS OF OUR LIVES!!!!! 

Here’s to literally ‘putting it out there.’  Those planned and/or random contacts are the fuel that keeps us motoring.  And, honoring the "Be Kind" effort, I know that each contact is governed by ME.  I can set the tone for a rewarding encounter.  What I have to offer will guide the experience.