“Who’s In There? Seeing Our Humanity and Connecting in Two Minutes

We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness. —Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk, prolific author, peace activist, teacher

Eye contact is way more intimate than words will ever be. ― Faraaz Kazi, author, known as the "Nicolas Sparks of India"

Did any of you try out any of the joy snacks I mentioned in the previous blog? I did—and I’m keeping them memorized for future experimentation. The one that worked the easiest and best for me was acts of kindness. (And I’m also doing a bit of experimenting with a psychologically rich life—more on that later.)

My granddaughter and I visited a young man who was in the hospital. His story is a sad one. Once a strapping, attractive, energetic guy—now an invalid. He has lost some vital parts of his brain. He’s often angry—throws anything he can get hold of. He’s not able to talk or walk and spends a lot of time in bed.

The young man’s mother has dedicated 19 years to his care. She had, for the last few nights, slept on the teeny, hard sofa in his room. And it was her birthday. We decided to visit and bring her some of the local pub’s delectable raspberry cream pie.

Though I knew the mother and the situation, I had never actually seen the son up close. As my granddaughter and I visited with the mother, I noticed that the young man turned his head toward us. His eyes stayed on ours. The gaze deeply rattled me—in a good way, a loving and compassionate way. I realized the young man, despite his tragic loss, was still in there! Some part of me connected with him—human to human.

Later, as we left, my granddaughter and I both raised our hands to make a symbol for love. He softly blinked his eyes.

The power of human-to-human connection, especially gazing softly into each other's eyes, is known to kick in the release of oxytocin—the bonding hormone.

Years ago, John and I attended a dental convention where we were partnered up with someone. We were to hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes for two minutes. I looked for any way to escape—go to the bathroom, vomit, anything to get away from such an emotionally intense encounter.

Of course, John loved the idea and quickly proceeded.

All these years later, I can still see my partner’s eyes and face. As we looked at each other, we both teared up. Such beauty, sadness, fear, love—all in there.

Remember those 36 questions that cause you to fall in love with anyone? I wrote about them many blogs back. The exercise, constructed by relationship guru Dr. Arthur Aron, eventually made its way into many news organizations and across the internet. Though often not reported in the articles, the exercise ends with the instruction for the dyad to gaze into each other’s eyes for four uninterrupted minutes. A news reporter who tried it out ended up marrying her partner.

A few weeks ago, researchers released a similar exercise. However, it only takes two minutes and includes some different instructions. It’s called The Just Like Me meditation. Gaze into the eyes of your partner while saying something like this to yourself: “Just like me, this person experiences suffering, shame, fear, and loneliness. Just like me, this person desires love, care, and belonging.”

For folks like me who find this very emotionally intense, the researchers suggest holding a picture and looking into the eyes of the person. Or, if you really want to do it in person but are worried about the intensity, start by looking at the hair or wherever feels comfortable.

The researchers do warn that this can cause increased attraction, so think about that before partnering men and women in the workplace.

But on the other hand, if you’ve been married for 51 years—like John and I have—this could be just the thing to create even deeper bonds.

The researchers are hoping people from different political and religious backgrounds might give it a go to increase a sense of common humanity, compassion, and friendship—and decrease dehumanization and hate.

How it might go for those who desperately need more self-compassion? Could we spend a few minutes in front of the mirror, looking into our own eyes? Look at our pictures at different ages? Could we reconnect with ourselves—see that we are still in there? The joyous and boisterous and frightened little kid, the anxious and starstruck teenager, the both loving and angry spouse, the exhausted and caring young parent, the ambitious and focused and depressed professional, the wrinkly and ripening grandparent?

How might we use some form of the "Just Like Me" meditation and journey together to the good life—by seeing and connecting with whoever is in there? And keep experimenting with joy snacks…and why not give the rich life a go as well?

An update on John - He's back from his "meditation retreat." He took this old pic of his dad and him. Perhaps to really see them both.

Little John and Dad

A technical postscript. My brother-in-law just showed me some ideas of how to turn the blog into an audible for those who like to roam around with ear buds or who just don't like to read. I'm working on it. I love the idea. From what I have seen it looks doable. In the meantime, what he does is copy the text into an app called speechify.