There is what I would call the hero journey, the night sea journey, the hero quest, where the individual is going to bring forth in his life something that was never beheld before. Joseph Campbell
Recently John and I listened to Vice-President Kamala Harris’s concession speech at the request of some friends. I wondered how he would feel about it. I watched his face. It didn't look good.
After taking some time, he said, “I just don’t like that word fight. She uses it over and over again” (11 times to be precise).
Later in the day, John came back with this observation, “I like the word ‘quest’, we are on a quest.” Then he added, "Words matter."
I have been thinking about that. How is quest a better word than fight? And I’m thinking about it from a vet’s perspective today.
"Quest" is a better word than "fight" because it captures the essence of a meaningful journey with a clear purpose, rather than a struggle based purely on conflict or opposition. And, for me – and for John I think, it’s more powerful and transformative.
For example. A fight implies a battle against something, focusing on resistance, conflict, and often an adversary. It’s driven by the need to defeat, win, or conquer, which can be exhausting and depleting over time. The language of fighting tends to emphasize struggle, competition, and aggression.
A quest, on the other hand, is about a purposeful journey or search for something valuable. It implies seeking meaning, truth, growth, or a desired outcome. It focuses on what you are moving toward, not just what you are fighting against. A quest has a sense of direction, purpose, and vision.
Secondly, a quest is about growth rather than resistance.In a fight, the emphasis is on resisting, attacking, or defending. The energy is directed toward opposing something external, which can lead to a mindset of survival or defeat.
A quest invites a growth mindset. It’s about exploration, discovery, and transformation. Even if the journey is challenging, the emphasis is on learning and evolving. The focus shifts from merely surviving a battle to experiencing and growing through the process of seeking.
Next a quest is about adventure rather than struggle. The word fight is loaded with imagery of struggle, pain, and effort against a perceived enemy. It often feels like a short-term, aggressive response to a problem.
A quest conjures images of adventure, curiosity, and a long-term journey. It’s a narrative that allows for setbacks, learning moments, and unexpected discoveries. It’s not just about overcoming obstacles but also about the experience of the journey itself.
And it won’t surprise you, we both believe in the power of positive framing. Framing your challenges as a fight can create a mentality that is combative and defensive, where every obstacle is seen as an enemy to be defeated. It can be exhausting and leave little room for seeing the value or meaning in the experience.
Mother Teresa said, “I will never attend an anti-war rally. If you have a peace rally, invite me.” She understood how to work with creating the world you want to live in by how you positively frame it.
Seeing your challenge as a quest is a form of positive framing. It suggests that you are on a meaningful journey, giving you a sense of purpose and agency. Even if the journey is difficult, there is a sense of hope and a higher purpose driving the effort.
It puts us on The Hero’s Journey outlined by Joseph Campbell (most of us know it). A fight can be seen as a small, isolated conflict, often without a larger context or meaning beyond the immediate battle. The end goal is simply to win or survive.
A quest, however, aligns with a narrative where the hero embarks on an adventure, faces trials, learns valuable lessons, and returns transformed. This framing can give people a deeper sense of meaning and purpose, even in the face of adversity.
For example, let’s switch from thinking about the battlefield to the idea of fighting cancer, but now framing it as a quest for healing. What might that look like?
When someone says they are "fighting cancer," it frames the experience as a battle against an external enemy. The language of fighting can sometimes make individuals feel they must be constantly strong, aggressive, and victorious, which can add to the emotional burden of the illness.
If instead, we think of it as a "quest for healing," it changes the narrative. Now, the person is on a journey seeking health, wholeness, and well-being. They are open to discovering new treatments, building deeper connections with loved ones, and learning about their own resilience. It becomes a path of seeking rather than simply resisting.
Choosing the word quest over fight emphasizes the journey, the learning process, and the ultimate purpose behind the struggle. It transforms challenges from mere battles into opportunities for growth and self-discovery. It gives a sense of adventure, hope, and a vision for what lies beyond the obstacles, making the journey itself a meaningful part of the experience.
In a quest, the goal is not just to defeat an enemy but to find something valuable—whether it’s wisdom, healing, or a deeper sense of purpose. This mindset can be more sustaining and uplifting in the long run, turning life's challenges into transformative experiences rather than draining battles.
Now shift back to a veteran's perspective. In a fight there’s the exhaustion of continuous conflict, and the narrow focus on survival. Yet, in transitioning back to civilian life, a veteran comes to realize that the fight mentality is not sustainable for a lifetime of fulfillment. Instead, let's suppose veterans embrace the idea of a quest—a purposeful journey that offers growth, discovery, and healing.
Maybe today on this 11th of November, a day of honoring veterans, let’s imagine a veteran who embraces the idea of the quest. This veteran is aware of the suffering some vets feel about fighting in a time of moral ambiguities. The vet gathers a group of fellow servicemen and women, community members, and civilians, all looking for a sense of purpose and direction in a world that can feel aimless or chaotic.
The vet opens with:
"When I was in the military, every day felt like a fight. We were trained to see threats, to respond to challenges with force, and to focus on winning the battle in front of us. And that mindset kept us alive—it was necessary on the battlefield. But when I came home, I found myself still fighting—fighting my own thoughts, fighting the world around me, fighting to fit in. And it left me exhausted and drained."
"Then I realized something. The life I wanted couldn’t be won through fighting. It wasn’t about defeating an enemy or even overcoming obstacles. It was about finding something deeper—something worth seeking, worth striving for. I realized I needed to be on a quest."
The veteran pauses, looking at the faces in front of them. Some are nodding, feeling the same struggle. The veteran continues:
"I want to encourage you all to shift your focus. Instead of thinking of life as a fight, think of it as a quest. A quest for meaning, a quest for purpose, a quest for connection. When you were in the military, your mission was clear, your objectives laid out. But now, it's up to you to define your own mission, to find a new sense of purpose that goes beyond just surviving day to day."
Then the vet goes on to suggest some valuable quests because life in the military often gives a clear sense of purpose and mission. Returning home can feel disorienting when that clarity is lost. The veteran encourages people to embark on a quest for meaning—to explore what gives their life significance now. This could be pursuing a passion project, volunteering, or finding a new way to serve the community. The goal is to seek what makes life feel purposeful beyond the battlefield. [And some are doing it for real. I just read about the vets helping the folks in Appalachia recover from Hurricane Helene.]
"In the military, we were part of something bigger than ourselves. Now, our quest is to find that same sense of meaning in our everyday lives. It might be in helping others, creating something new, or standing up for what we believe in. It’s about looking beyond ourselves and finding a mission we care about deeply."
Then the vet talks about healing. Many veterans carry wounds from their time in service—some visible, others hidden deep within. My own brother died from a suicide after serving in the military. The veteran suggests reframing the struggle with these wounds as a quest for healing rather than a fight against mental and physical pain. By embracing this quest, they are seeking out tools, support, and practices that can help them heal, grow, and transform.
"Healing isn’t about fighting against your trauma or your pain. It’s about seeking wholeness, exploring different paths to recovery, and finding what truly helps you heal. This might mean therapy, connecting with other veterans, or exploring mindfulness and meditation. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a quest worth taking."
I think almost everyone who has been in the military misses the sense of camaraderie and connection – brotherhood and sisterhood, kinship.
"We were a team out there, watching each other’s backs. Now, we need to find new ways to connect with others, to build a support network. This quest is about finding or creating communities where we can share our stories, support each other, and feel like we belong again."
Lastly, the vet emphasizes the quest for wisdom and continued growth. This quest is about seeking understanding, learning from experiences, and growing beyond the person you were before. It’s an invitation to explore new ideas, learn new skills, and broaden your perspective.
"We have seen a lot, experienced things most people never will. But instead of letting those experiences harden us, we can let them be the fire that forges us into something stronger, wiser. This quest is about using our experiences to grow, to understand ourselves and the world better, and to share what we’ve learned with others."
And finally this imaginary vet says:
"Fighting is about defeating something in front of you, but a quest is about seeking something beyond you. It’s a journey filled with purpose, exploration, and hope. I encourage you to see your life as a quest—one where every step, every setback, and every triumph is part of a larger journey toward finding what truly matters. Let’s stop fighting and start questing together."
And then the vet gets a standing ovation in my imagination.
For veterans and civilians alike, shifting from a fight mentality to a quest mentality can be transformative. It changes the focus from survival and struggle to growth, discovery, and fulfillment. It offers a new perspective on life’s challenges, framing them not as battles to be won but as parts of a meaningful journey. It gives people a reason to wake up each day and continue moving forward, not because they need to conquer something, but because they are on a mission to discover something valuable about themselves and the world.
In choosing a quest over a fight, my imaginary veteran is guiding others toward a journey filled with purpose, connection, and healing. That is my wish for this day... that we all begin or continue our quests...journeying together toward lives of purpose, connection, and healing. In honor of my most beloved fellow veteran, my husband, John. Thank you for continuing to inspire me, my love.
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