How to Be King or Queen (For a Long Time): Who Gets the Power? How? How Is It Kept?

Why empathy, not intimidation, keeps the crown

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”— John Dalberg-Acton

“It is much safer to be feared than loved,” wrote Niccolò Machiavelli in The Prince.

Nearly five centuries later, Robert Greene revived the same spirit in The 48 Laws of Power:

Crush your enemy totally.

Conceal your intentions.

Keep others in suspended terror.

It’s dramatic. It feels strong. It sells. But science tells a very different story.

Psychologist Dacher Keltner, founding director of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, has spent decades studying power — how we gain it and how we lose it.

His conclusion turns Machiavelli upside down.

In his book The Power Paradox, Keltner writes:

“We rise in power and make a difference in the world due to what is best about human nature.”

Not ruthlessness. Not intimidation. Not domination.

We rise because we are socially intelligent — because we understand others, advance the good of the group, reconcile conflict, and treat people with respect. Any grade school teacher can tell you this.

In studies of college dorm hierarchies, workplaces, and even primate communities, those who maintained influence over time were the ones who were dynamic, fair, generous, and modest.

Keltner’s research consistently shows that power is not seized as often as it is granted. We give power to those who seem to be serving the collective.

Out here in orchard country, we understand this intuitively. The leader who listens keeps the crew. The one who humiliates loses it as long is there is opportunity elsewhere.

And yet — here is where Lord Acton’s warning echoes. Keltner calls it the power paradox.

The very traits that lead us to power — empathy, attunement, fairness — are the ones most damaged by the experience of having it! I have written about this previously.

As Keltner puts it:

“The skills most important to obtaining power and leading effectively are the very skills that deteriorate once we have power.”

Research shows that when people are given power, even temporarily, they are more likely to interrupt, stereotype, act impulsively, and show less ability to read others’ emotions.

Keltner has even compared the psychological effects of power to mild injury to the orbitofrontal cortex — the part of the brain crucial for empathy and impulse control.

It’s as if the crown presses down on the very part of the brain that made us worthy of it. Power doesn’t just corrupt morally.

It distorts perception. Fosters overconfidence. Reduces empathy. Leads to egocentric thinking. For more on what happens to perception, read this article.

This is where an organizational researcher I like, Dr. Robert I. Sutton, comes in.

In his classic book The No Asshole Rule, Sutton studied thriving organizations and toxic ones. His findings were as blunt as his title.

He writes:

“One asshole can really mess up a workplace.”

And even more pointedly:

“The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know.”

Sutton found that persistent rudeness — especially from those in authority — spreads stress, suppresses creativity, and drives away talented people. Most degrading behavior in organizations flows downward from positions of power.

Shouting. Public humiliation. Sarcasm. Dismissiveness.

Fear may produce compliance.

But it destroys trust.

And trust is the real currency of long-term power.

Contrary to popular belief, manipulative personalities do not reliably maintain leadership over time.

Keltner’s research on “reputational discourse” shows that groups instinctively identify those who undermine the common good. Through gossip, conversation, and subtle social signals, reputations form quickly.

Those known to harm others in pursuit of self-interest hit a glass ceiling.

Even chimpanzees depose tyrants.

Science, interestingly enough, sides more with Lao-tzu than Machiavelli: “To lead the people, walk behind them.”

If power erodes empathy, then staying powerful for a long time requires vigilance. Here is what the research suggests:

1. Practice visible respect. Look people in the eye. Listen fully. Do not interrupt. These small acts protect empathy.

2. Share power intentionally. Invite others into decisions. Collaboration strengthens legitimacy.

3. Guard against contempt. Eye rolls, public correction, sarcasm — these are the termites of authority.

4. Stay modest. Keltner’s colleague Cameron Anderson found that modest leaders maintain status longer than grandiose ones.

5. Enforce a “No Asshole” culture — starting with yourself. Sutton argues, protecting dignity is not softness. It is strategy.

The king who humiliates weakens his own throne.

Long before Berkeley research labs, Jesus overturned Machiavelli’s logic:

“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.”

This is not sentimental spirituality.

It is social science.

True power flows outward. It circulates. It elevates.

The crown stays secure on the head that bows.

If you want to be king — of a company, a classroom, a congregation, a family — for a long time, remember this:

Power is given to and kept by those that we believe are serving the greater good.

How might we journey together to the Good Life by learning how real long term power truly works?

Now if you really want to see how a bullied person became "king" of his school. Watch this 6 minute video. It will give you ideas about how anyone can be great as well...even by opening doors. It is elevate you and give you hope. You will see how we humans actually work.

Then go read or watch "Lord of the Rings" for more thoughts about who gets to be king and how they hold on to the kingdom.

"...and government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." Quote by Abraham Lincoln in the Gettysburg address. Lincoln was not the first person to use a version of this phrase. Unitarian minister, Theodore Parker wrote about a "government of all the people, by all the people, for all the people."