"Ding, Ding, Ding. Recalculating…" You Are Still on the Best Route. Plus a Few Compassion, Accountability, and High Performance Hacks You Can Use Anytime

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – The Dalai Lama

It’s easy to believe that ubiquitous quote when you’re holding the door for a stranger or calling a lonely friend. But when someone you love blindsides you—says something cruel in front of others, twists the knife in a way you didn’t think they were capable of—compassion can feel like the wrong road entirely.

That’s how I felt recently with someone. The wounding seemed huge, not just for what was said but how it was delivered. My emotions were not calmly guiding me toward compassion. Instead, they were yelling, “Take the next exit! Drive directly toward Revenge City or at least Cold Shoulder!”

Compassion is the ancient, reliable route to a life worth living. When we are in a good place, we can usually count on our inner GPS to guide us and stay on track.

Neuroscientists have watched it on brain scans: when we act with compassion—whether that’s offering a kind word, listening without judgment, or simply sitting with someone who’s hurting—our brain’s pleasure-and-reward circuits light up. Dopamine (the “helper’s high”), oxytocin (the trust-builder), and endorphins (nature’s pain relievers) all pile into the car.

And over time, the more we take this route, the more automatic it becomes. The road gets well-paved. We recognize the scenery. We trust where it’s taking us. All seems well.

But here’s the thing: even when you have a good GPS, it can’t stop you from being tempted to mistrust it on occasion, to think you want to override it and take an exit when something unexpected happens.

Then you hear it, that ding, ding, ding. It's the sound you get on your phone when your google map is telling you are messing up. Going the wrong way.

When someone hurts us, especially someone close, we can easily take a hard left off Compassion Highway. When our inner GPS is functioning well, we hear the ding, ding, ding—recalculating, recalculating—trying to reroute us back toward the good life.

Sometimes we snap out of it, get back on track quickly. Other times, we ignore it. We stew. We plot our next cutting remark. We think compassion is for saints, suckers, or people who don’t really understand what happened to us.

But like any good GPS, compassion not only reroutes us when we’re lost—it reassures us when we are on the best road, even if it doesn’t seem like it. “You are still on the best route,” it says in that maddeningly calm voice.

That’s the inner voice we need to hear when the hurt feels huge. When you can’t just “be the bigger person” because you’re already doubled over from the blow? That’s when we need to take a breath. Get an internal re-set, believe that we are indeed on the right path to the good life.

That’s when this 5-Minute Compassion Reset can help. It doesn’t excuse the wrong, but it keeps us headed toward the good life.

The 5-Minute Compassion Reset

1. Ground yourself.

   
   

   Breathe in for 4 counts, out for 6. Feel your feet steady on the floor. This can be done several times.

   
   

2. Self-compassion first.

   
   

   Silently say, “This hurts. May I be gentle with myself.” If you’re spiritual, picture God, Jesus, or another loving presence beside you.

   
   

3. See them in full.

   
   

   Imagine the offender as a child. If you have a picture, look at it. Especially look at the person’s eyes. Consider that this person, too, has wounds and fears and longings underneath the armor. Just like you and me.

   
   

4. Send a (safe) wish or prayer .

   
   

   “For you own happiness and the happiness of those around you, may you grow in kindness, wisdom, and humanity. May your wounded places heal so you no longer harm.”

   
   

When my good friend feels wronged, she often whispers mentally to the offender, “May you get what you deserve.” She leaves it all up to karma. If that helps as a first step to keep the poisonous desire for revenge out of your system, go for it. But sending wishes for a bad actor’s growth in kindness, wisdom, and humanity helps me the most.

I've also experimented with other snarky "prayers" or wishes to see what happens in my body. They cause me chest pain. So I have been sticking with more generous wishes.

5. Release.

   
   

   Picture the situation floating down a river. “I choose not to carry this today.”

   
   

   

Some may say that compassion feels like you’re letting people off the hook. But I endorse compassion with backbone.  It’s a compassion that holds both humanity and accountability together.

If I want to stay in a close, personal relationship with the one who hurt me (that may not always be the best choice), I can choose kindness without pretending the wound never happened. I can speak the truth about what hurt; kindly and firmly set clear boundaries, and keep my heart from souring.

A simple pocket formula helps me here: Truth → Impact → Forward (TIF)

• Truth: “Here’s what happened and why it matters.”

• Impact: “Here’s how it affected me.”

• Forward: “Here’s what I request going forward.”

  
  

Brené Brown puts it perfectly: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Brown claims the most compassionate people are clear on their boundaries. (You can use this for any of your communications.)

This is the phrase I keep coming back to: I refuse to let unkind actions sour my heart or hijack my head. Because revenge might feel satisfying for a moment, but it takes me far off the route to the good life.

When I hear that inner GPS dinging, recalculating… I know it’s time to find my way back—not only for their sake, but for mine.

As many compassion teachers have said, “Compassion is not a luxury. It is a necessity for our own peace and mental stability.”

Compassion is still the surest way to get home to myself and to travel toward the good life.

How might we move up to the good life by remembering that compassion is always the best path to the good life - hear the "ding, ding, ding," learn to re-set when we get off track, and know that we can practice compassion with both backbone and warm hearts?

Here are a few other hacks or tips I am using to become a better compassion practitioner. Hang out with ripened folks - those wise, compassionate ones we are fortunate to have in our lives. That is the easiest thing a person can do to get better, perform well, at anything. We learn through observation, by examples, through mimicry. Remember nobody told you how to walk or talk, you learned it by hanging out with people who walk and talk.

Also pretending or imagining we are a ripened person ourselves can be powerful. That's true for any performance as well. Think about who is a master in compassion. Maybe Jesus or the Dalai Lama or Gandhi. Ask yourself what would Jesus , or the Dalai Lama, or Gandhi, or what would my ripened friend do? Do what they would do OR be them for a while.

That idea was re-visited in an article by a professional poker player. The article was in Big Think. The poker player reminds us of the Tim Gallwey Inner Game books. I read all his books. I think of him as the first performance coach before the life coaching and executive coaching field started exploding. He laid some of the groundwork.

Gallwey, who was captain of his tennis team at Harvard, reminds us that we learn much better through mimicry and imagination than through explicit instruction. So instead of using that compassion reset, copy the actions of a master until it's part of you. Anyway, I'm ordering that 50 year anniversary of The Inner Game Of Tennis book to remind myself of his wisdom. Plus Pete Carroll introduces the new book. I'm sure he has some wisdom to add. I'll be using the ideas to up my compassion practice, AND I also sent the article to my seriously competitive, high performance family athletes.

Let me just wrap this up by saying, several relationships I thought were doomed have survived and flourished at an even deeper level when I am able to stay on track with compassion and practice it well. And I am absolutely convinced the ancient way remains a solid way to journey to the good life together.

And thanks to my ripened friend, Margie (btw, she shared that when her family receives a blow at the hands of another they remind each other to take the high road by telling each other to "go Gandhi," I am stealing that too for a quick compassion reset mantra.) who passed on an article that called into question the wisdom of using the word, "compassion." The author of the article doubted the wisdom of trying to help society by advocating for more compassion. Some think we have become too self-interested to see the rationale. I hope this helps. Remember the opening quote of the Dalai Lama....."If you want to be happy...."

One of our photo-averse granddaughters and her friend out in 100 degree weather distributing be kind signs designed by John and Color FX. Despite the heat , some rejections, and being terrorized by a pit bull, they continue steadfast on their mission to make Cashmere not only a Tree City but a Kind City USA for the sake of all the generations to come.