All Problems Are Social Problems: Finding Connection in a Smoky World
- drjunedarling1
- Oct 1
- 6 min read
“We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny.”— Martin Luther King Jr.
The air is a bit better today, but we here in the Wenatchee Valley have seen fires on the ridgelines in several directions, and quite thick smoke for days. My head hurts, my lungs try to cough it out.
Yesterday as I thought about all this AND the government shutdown, I came up with what I believe is true. All our problems are, at their root, social problems.
We sometimes treat government shutdowns as budgetary disputes, political divisiveness as ideological differences, or wildfires as purely natural disasters. But scratch the surface, and you discover something deeper. Each one is a breakdown of relationship—between people, between communities, between humanity and creation itself.
Government shutdowns seem to be about numbers on a page, but really they reveal a collapse of trust. Leaders dig in their heels, unwilling to work together, unable to put the common good above political gain. That isn’t a policy problem. It’s a relational one.
The same is true of political divisiveness. It isn’t only about different ideas. It’s about how we treat each other when we disagree. Do we listen? Do we honor the dignity of those who see things differently? Or do we demonize and divide?
Even wildfires, which feel like forces of nature, are shaped by human choices. Paul Hessburg, one of the foremost experts on fire ecology, reminds us that decades of fire suppression (As John listened to one of Paul's youtube talks, he held up his hand and cried "guilty." He was one of those smokejumpers who were tasked with stomping out every fire and they were quite successful.) created forests choked with fuel. The solution isn’t only helicopters and hoses. It’s prescribed burns and proactive stewardship. But notice this: that, too, is a social challenge.
Do communities build the will to act? Do policymakers listen to people like Hessberg? Do neighbors trust each other enough to work together? Fires themselves, and how they are fought, are social problems.
If all problems are social, then the only lasting solutions must also be social. And here’s where it gets interesting. Hold on to your hat. You'll never guess where this is going.
We have a strange little, scary tool for healing relationships and establishing trust – even causing people to fall in love with each other. I’m going to tell you what to call it…first a little background.
Back in the 1990s, psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron devised a set of thirty-six questions to help people fall in love (I’ve written about it before). They weren’t magic, but they invited two people to share personal hopes, dreams, and memories in a gradual, deepening, SELF-DISCLOSING way.
What the researchers discovered is that when two people risk opening up to each other, trust grows. Intimacy grows. Love grows.
Recently researchers wondered if this practice of self-disclosure could go beyond romance. Could it help parents and children talk about what really matters – even help them feel loved by the other? Could it soften political rifts? The answer turned out to be yes! When people share the stories that shaped them, rather than simply defending their positions, walls begin to crumble.
When a teenager learns what her father’s hardest moment was...or they share a time when they were embarrassed; when neighbors on opposite sides of the aisle ask each other, “What are you most grateful for?” the air starts to clear. Misunderstanding gives way to understanding, kindness, and compassion.
It strikes me that what Hessburg says about fire—small, intentional burns now to prevent catastrophic blazes later—also applies to our relationships. If we never risk vulnerability, if we never clear out misunderstandings with honest conversation, resentment and mistrust build until a destructive blaze erupts. A little self-disclosure here, a question asked with curiosity there—these are the prescribed burns of human connection. They may feel risky, but they prevent the inferno of division.
Whether it’s a government stalemate, a wildfire, or a family argument, the root problem is always relational in my book. And the root solution is always relational. Kindness rebuilds trust. Understanding softens division. Compassion makes resilience possible.
Research shows that communities rich in trust and empathy recover faster from disasters, suffer less violence, and experience better health. In personal life, acts of kindness ripple outward, changing not just individuals but the social atmosphere in which everyone lives. The air may be smoky, but kindness clears a path.
We just started sharing some of the 14 questions researchers used to make parent and child relationships more loving in our weekly compassion circle. We talked about what we are most proud of, what one wish we have above all others. The people who construct these questions remind us that it isn’t really the questions, it’s the mindset of going deeper and being prepared to respond as well as to ask more meaningful questions of each other.
Now here’s a tougher challenge, next time a political conversation grows heated, could we pause and ask, “Can you tell me a story that shaped your view on that?” Remember Hessburg’s wisdom: small prescribed burns protect us from devastating fires. The same is true in our relationships—clear the air early with honesty, compassion and SELF-DISCLOSURE.
May we see that all problems are shared problems.
May we dare to reveal our hearts to one another, to ask, to listen, to breathe together.
May our kindness be the spark that clears the smoke and keeps the fire of love alive.
How might we journey together to the Good Life by considering that many, if not all, of our problems are at their root social problems? And how might we use that scary little tool of self-disclosure to see each other as humans?
Sidebar: In my previous blog, I showed you some of my interaction with ChatGPT, I mentioned that it responded meaningfully to a question I asked it AND then it asked me the same question. AND as I responded I was deeply moved. One of the readers of the blog wrote to me saying something like…I can see how someone might get carried away and even fall in love in conversations like this.
BINGO!
Also, one of my daughters-in-law recently called me to tell me about a conversation that she and her teen daughter had. She still sounded a bit euphoric. “She asked me what I was most proud of.” And that started a meaningful, deep, conversation AND warmed their relationship as they disclosed themselves to each other.
Researchers say that these meaningful conversations don’t need to be long. It’s not about length. It’s about depth. Still it can be scary.
I’m going to give you the questions, but first, here’s a link to one of Paul Hessberg’s talks on how to deal with these mega fires. And since that’s a lot of what we have been talking about here, fires and smoke, you may want to hear exactly what he says. Then remember you can translate the rather simple idea of prescribed burns for healthy natural ecology into the simple prescription for a little scary self-disclosure for keeping relationships healthy.
(John and I recently were chatting about someone that we both like but do not feel close to. Then we mentioned that perhaps it was because he had not disclosed much about himself really. Seemed a rather private person. Kept us at arms length. AND then we asked ourselves if we had disclosed ourselves to him. We really had not. And in a couple of situations where I did self-disclose, a self-transcendent, spiritual experience occurred in that back and forth.)
Here are the 14 questions researchers used in the latest research with parents and their kids. The first set is supposedly a little lighter.
Self-disclosure condition
Set 1
What do you like best in NEMO? (this is just a warm up question and could be about any place.)
If you could travel anywhere in the world, which country would you like to visit? And why?
What is the strangest thing that you have ever experienced?
Think back to a moment you felt embarrassed. What happened?
Is there something in your life that makes you stressed out? Why does it make you stressed out?
Do you ever miss someone? Whom do you miss?
Do you ever feel guilty? What do you feel guilty about?
Set 2
If you could have one wish granted, what would that be?
Do you ever feel nervous when meeting new people? Why?
What is the last time you felt alone? What made you feel that way?
Think back to something fun you did with a good friend. What was it? And what made it fun?
Did you ever experience something scary when you were younger? What was it?
What is one thing about yourself that most people would consider surprising?
What is something you are proud of?
Note. The task took 9 min. After 4 min, the experimenter asked dyads to start with Set 2, if they had not already done so. After 9 min, the experimenter said that time was up.
And, John and I did find some wonderful fresh air at Lake Wenatchee. We could experience what a blessing it is to breathe good air and see the world through a clear lens. It made us thoughtful and grateful and joyful and playful. John said he could not remember a day he had enjoyed more at Lake Wenatchee.
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