The Psychology of Politeness and Boo on Bad Manners

Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax - Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher

This isn’t exactly the story that happened to me when I recently returned with John from a trip. I’ll save the exact story to protect the innocent. But the hurt and angry feelings resulting from what I deemed "bad manners", prompted this blog.

Let’s just say there was a short note waiting for me at my door. I had invited a colleague to help with a neighborhood project — nothing big, just a small way to bring people together. The response came quickly: “No, I won’t be participating. Best of luck.”

No hello. Hope you had a good trip. No warmth. Just a few words on the door that shut the door on what I had thought was a pretty good relationship.

There wasn’t anything technically wrong with the message. The punctuation was fine. But something important was missing — tone, grace, care. It left a bruise, one of those small social injuries that most of us have felt, and maybe even caused, perhaps without meaning to.

We don’t talk about these moments much. But they add up — and not just in terms of hurt feelings. They shape how safe we feel in the world, how willing we are to trust, how connected we stay in a culture that’s moving faster and talking louder every day.

Which brings me to a little book I have been skimming. It’s called Just Good Manners by William Hanson. On the surface, it’s about etiquette. But at its heart, it’s about psychology — how we relate to one another, how we carry ourselves, and how those small daily interactions shape our lives. I actually heard Hanson talking on a happiness podcast (Happiness Lab) after I bought the book.

Hanson doesn’t berate us about which spoon to use at a formal dinner. What he really wants us to understand is that manners — true, thoughtful manners — are a form of emotional intelligence. They’re not about impressing anyone. They’re about tuning in.

Hanson explains that many of our customs were born not from elitism but from practical kindness. For instance, the old rule about not putting your elbows on the table? That came from the Middle Ages, when folks dined at long, unstable trestle tables. One heavy lean could tip the whole thing, sending tankards, trenchers, and dinner into someone’s lap. So yes, “elbows off the table” was less about primness and more about avoiding chaos.

Or consider the habit of waiting until everyone is served before you eat. It started as a gesture of fairness. Food was shared, and eating early could leave someone else with scraps. The rule was simple: look around, make sure everyone’s included.

(Now we could have used this rule at my grandmother’s house in Bean Station, Tennessee. It was every person for themselves. Eight kids, their spouses, and all the kids. Grab the serving bowl, dig in, before everyone else … quick! So went their familial relationships. They pushed and pulled over everything.

John came from much more gently bred folks who even had the acronym FHB which stood for family hold back when some unexpected guests showed up for dinner.)

But back to Hanson. He says even thank-you notes, which now might feel optional in our fast-paced world, were once essential — a way to acknowledge effort when you couldn’t say it in person. A short note carried meaning. It still does.

These customs lasted because they helped communities function. They weren’t about appearances. They were about cooperation and respect.

And as it turns out, our brains are wired for this. Researchers have found that small, courteous acts — things as simple as saying thank you, holding a door, making eye contact — can activate the brain’s reward system, increase oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and reduce social stress.

Being polite doesn’t just help the person on the receiving end. It helps you - the one on the giving end.

I’ve noticed it in my own life. When I stop to greet someone by name, when I resist the urge to interrupt, when I take the time to follow up with a kind note — I feel better. More grounded. More connected.

There’s also something protective about politeness. It allows us to navigate disagreement without dehumanization. It gives us space to be frustrated without being cruel. That matters in families, in workplaces, in public life — anywhere we’re trying to live with others.

Hanson puts it this way: etiquette isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about making other people feel more comfortable in your presence. And really, isn’t that one of the most beautiful things a person can offer?

Politeness, when it’s real, isn’t performance. It’s presence.

It means we’re paying attention. We’re willing to set aside our ego just long enough to say, “You matter. I’m thinking about how this moment feels for you, not just for me.”

And yes, it takes a little effort. Especially when we’re tired or annoyed or rushed. But if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of that kind of courtesy (thank you, dear husband for the over 50 years of courteous "spousing" even when we are tired and irritated with aches and setbacks and life) — a patient reply, a warm greeting, someone remembering your name — you know it has staying power. It lingers.

The good life isn’t built on grand gestures. It’s built on small, consistent choices that bring us closer to each other.

So maybe it starts with an email that’s just a little more human. A note sent. A pause before speaking. A thank you that’s said aloud instead of just thought.

Being polite doesn’t mean being stiff or scripted. It means being intentional. It means slowing down enough to recognize that other people are just as complex and valuable as we are.

And that, in the end, is the foundation of a good life.

So maybe it’s time we stop seeing manners as old-fashioned and start seeing them as human tools for flourishing.

How might we journey together to the Good Life by being a bit more polite and well-mannered?

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The Psychology-Backed Benefits of Being Polite:

• Reduces stress hormones in social settings

• Boosts trust and connection via oxytocin

• Signals emotional intelligence and leadership potential

• Increases your sense of control and well-being

• Creates a ripple of kindness in communities

• Helps resolve conflict with dignity and calm

How Polite Are You Really?

Take this quick totally made up quiz to see how your everyday good manners measure up and perhaps help us all re-set our brains onto our polite channel

1. When someone holds the door for you, you…

A) Say “thank you” and smile

B) Nod silently

C) Walk through without acknowledging them

2. You get an invitation to a dinner party. You…

A) RSVP promptly, even if you’re not sure you can attend

B) Wait a few days, then decide

C) Forget to respond altogether

3. A cashier hands you your change. You…

A) Say “thank you” and make eye contact

B) Mumble something while looking at your phone

C) Don’t say anything — you were in a hurry

4. Someone sends you a thoughtful message. You…

A) Reply with a warm and personal note

B) Give a quick “Thanks”

C) Leave it on read

5. You’re in a conversation and someone’s telling a story you’ve heard before. You…

A) Listen patiently and let them enjoy telling it again

B) Interrupt with, “You already told me this”

C) Tune out and check your phone

Your Results

Mostly A’s: Polite and Present

You’re a kindness ninja — thoughtful, engaged, and gracious. Keep leading us all by example

Mostly B’s: Getting There

You’ve got the basics down, but there’s room to slow down and be more intentional. A little polish goes a long way.

Mostly C’s: Oops — Time to Recalibrate

It’s easy to get distracted, but the people around you will feel the difference when you show up with a little more care.

And for those of us who want to be more intentional...

5 Ways to Be Polite This Week

Remember, small gestures, big ripple effects.

1. Write a thank-you note.

Yes, a real one — on paper. Think of someone who’s helped you lately or made your day brighter, and let them know. (I am trying, Margie.  My friend, Margie even bought me a box of cards to help me out…just as she does for her grandchildren when she’s trying to help them get on track.  BTW, Hanson tells the story in a happiness podcast about a woman who was willed her aunt’s cottage simply because she had responded to her aunt’s small yearly gifts with a proper thank you written on real paper.)

2. Let someone go ahead of you. In traffic. At the store. At the coffee shop. A small act of patience sends a big message: I see you.

3. Use people’s names. Remembering and using someone’s name (I know this is harder as we get older and haven't seen folks for a while. It can be challenging, but we can do our best) builds instant warmth and connection. Today, I did meet someone I had not seen for a long time. I knew who she was, but could not remember her name. I just walked up beside her, said, "Hey, how are you, June Darling." She said, "Yes, I know, Taylor." And we had a lovely catch up conversation.

4. Send a kind check-in. Text or call someone you haven’t talked to in a while — not to get anything, just to say you’re thinking of them.

5. Compliment with sincerity. Whether it’s an uncle's insight, a friend’s outfit, or a stranger’s helpfulness — speak the good you see! (Someone just did this for me and I'm still on a high, thank you, A. You know who you are!)

And by the way, we DID have a great time on our trip boating around the San Juans with Captain John and his great family crew