“We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t.” -Charles Bukowski
Maybe you are still on summer, but I’m looking ahead…past October into November even. As I think of the nearing of the holidays and holy days as well as election day... it seems appropriate to keep sharing kindly words. At least I know I need it.
Kindness isn’t, as Dr. David Hamilton reminds us, just a “nice trait to have.” Being kind affects parts of our brains in ways that lowers stress and boosts positive mood – it relaxes nerves, reduces blood pressure, and even helps optimize functioning of the immune system. I’ve mentioned all this before.
AND it takes on more meaning for me as I think of electing a leader for our country. The leader often sets the tone of a culture. Do we want a kind president? Sound a bit daft to even consider?
We typically think of “strong” characteristics when we think of what we need in a good leader. Traits like decisiveness, vision, and strength are some that may come to mind. I’m not knocking those, we want those; but what about the skill and the will to be kind?
We now have evidence that skillful use of kindness can play a gigantic role in effective leadership for families, for businesses, for communities, and perhaps even for nations.
I think we have the wrong idea about what we mean by kindness, however.
Kind leadership isn’t about being overly lenient. It’s not about avoiding making difficult decisions. It’s about handling decisions and people with thoughtfulness and respect. A kind leader can still be firm and decisive AND do that in a way that considers the well-being – the needs and feelings, of those under his or her leadership.
Why to exert kind leadership? And if it makes sense, how?
One big advantage to kind leadership is trust. In a trusting environment – big things happen because of increased collaboration, authenticity, cooperation, admitting mistakes, increased engagement, increased creativity and innovation, and strengthened loyalty. Performance in a kind (and accountable) culture spirals up. Period.
But how do we put this into practice. Sure, we know that we are to encourage, to appreciate, to allow people to safely express their ideas and to listen, to offer support and guidance, in general to follow the golden rule.
But let’s take a real scenario that a church I’m associated with is experiencing. It has to do with their weekly community meal. This community meal is awesome – people of all sorts cavort together here around food.
Some homeless folks show up. Some leaders of the community show up. Some people of various denominations cook, serve, and eat together – the Methodists, The Catholics, The Seventh Day Adventists, The Baptists. Community service-oriented clubs jump in like the Kiwanians and a community “Improvement Club.” The local Post Acute Care team comes regularly to help and join in. And it’s a purple place with both liberals and conservatives hanging out together. Even carnivores and vegetarians work it out.
But here’s the problem. Sometimes the youngsters seem too loud for a few folks. The older folks get grumpy, even mad, threaten to never come back. They even yelled at the kids. Sometimes parents can get embarrassed or grumpy or angry right back. What’s a leader to do?
Some may think it’s going to be effective to give those parents and kids a lecture. Others may think those adults need a lesson. Shame them all. Take a moment to consider…what would you do if you saw the importance of establishing a kind culture for a community, your community, even your country?
As I consider the issue (and I am in the thick of it and I have been perplexed about how to go forward), the first step in my mind is to establish that you and I as a group want to have a kind, a respectful - not a lenient, not a laissez faire where anything goes, but a kind, respectful culture. We collectively see the vision and the benefits.
Once we get clear on the vision, we can more easily establish the expectations.
Secondly, how can we help both groups understand each other’s needs and feelings? The parents told me how much the kids enjoy coming to the meals and seeing each other. They are full of excitement. The older adults say how important it is for them to be able to hear their meal mates to connect and enjoy getting together, to have a little peace. (By the way, don't get the wrong idea, most people are happily eating their food and enjoying conversation together.)
What might help move the culture forward? Here’s an idea that I’m proposing as a start.
Create a clear note, (leave it on each table). Explain the vision and hopes of those offering the community meal. Something like this:
Welcome to the Community Meal! We hope you will meet ALL sorts of people in our community here. We hope you will have fun adventures getting to know each other as you visit over good food. We hope you will get a name tag and offer to meet new people. We hope you will learn others’ names.
We hope you will remember “the Golden Rule” and treat All others…those older and those younger than you; those more conservative and those more liberal than you; those with and those without your religion; those poorer and those richer than you, those more depressed and those more joyful than you; those who love more liveliness, those who enjoy more tranquility, those with more brown or more white skins…with kindness and respect.
We hope together we can continue the long Cashmere tradition of creating a joyful, warm-hearted community of trust, consideration, and goodwill.
When we get clear on our hopes and dreams, when we share our expectations, it’s a lot easier to remind ourselves of how we want to be individually and collectively. That may be one approach for this community meal.
In terms of our nation, I don’t know how all this will play out in terms of leadership and culture come November. What I can do is get clear on my own vision, share it, listen to others, and commit to a common vision of kind leadership and kind cultures. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to remind folks that we’re all, every one of us, going to die; we might as well try our best to love each other.
How might we journey together to the Good Life by: reminding ourselves about the benefits of a kind culture, understanding what kindness is and is not; considering what kind leadership looks like in practice, and committing to it?
Be kind "Garden Doodles" by my friend and reader, Gina Quinn. Gina spends about 15 minutes each morning as of late doing meditative garden doodles.
(And I'm curious about your thoughts, email me at drjunedarling1@gmail.com)
An aside, John and I saw the movie, Reagan. I wasn't expecting it to be very good. The critics didn't find it overly appealing. But John and I really liked it. A step back in time perhaps. And a love story. AND what John pointed out to me was the respectful, even kind relationship depicted between Reagan and Gorbachev which resulted in the tearing down of the Berlin Wall.
And one more aside. If you have been following these blogs lately, you know that John and I recently returned from Costa Rica. We were blown away to find out that they had no standing military. You may want to click on the following link and watch this 3 minute fascinating video
And just in... a comment from a reader, someone who knows the SEAL Team Six commander who evidently uses a quote originally attributed to Al Capone, "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness."
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