Does Being a Person of Strong Character Lead to a Good Life? To Flourishing?
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Updated: 13 hours ago
“Waste no more time arguing what a good person should be. Be one.” — Marcus Aurelius
One of my sons and I were recently emailing about some interesting research. Afterwards I shared the six words that American Jungian psychoanalyst, James Hollis used to sum up his advice to himself for living well. “Shut up, suit up, show up.”
My son seemed disturbed by that shut up piece. Hollis does say some shocking things like that – for example, “Find what you love and let it kill you.” (Hollis is 86, still writing and seeing patients.)
I tried to explain where I thought Hollis was coming from, that he was not so concerned about happiness as a continuously blissful state for his clients or himself but rather he sought being whole, being functional, being a person who could navigate life following internal values, a person of virtue and character who lives a meaningful, rich life. Maybe some of us would call that flourishing, even happiness.
Later, I wondered if what I had said was right. Not about Hollis so much. I’m not that interested in being a Hollis expert, but I am interested in this question: Does being a person of good character lead to a good life? To flourishing?
Positive psychology researchers have spent the past three decades asking exactly that question. Researchers have studied hundreds of thousands of people across cultures, measuring not only happiness but also resilience, purpose, relationships, and life satisfaction.
Their conclusion is surprisingly similar to what philosophers and the world's great wisdom traditions have been saying for thousands of years. People who intentionally cultivate good character tend to flourish more than those who do not.
Notice what I did not say. I did NOT say that virtuous people have EASIER lives. Because even virtuous people can still get cancer. They lose spouses. They experience disappointment, grief, anxiety, and failure. Being kind does not exempt anyone from certain life, human, hardships.
What seems to be different is not what happens to virtuous people but how they use what happens to them.
Researchers Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson identified twenty-four character strengths of the mind and the heart that are used to strengthen the self and connect with others that appear across cultures and religions. They include qualities such as courage, curiosity, gratitude, forgiveness, kindness, fairness, humility, perseverance, wisdom, and hope.
Of all these strengths, several consistently stand out as especially connected with flourishing: gratitude, hope, love, kindness, curiosity, and what researchers call zest—a wholehearted enthusiasm for life.
These strengths, these virtues, caught my attention because none of those qualities depend on income, education, social status, or natural talent. They are ways of being. They can be practiced by almost anyone.
Perhaps that explains why some people who have very little seem deeply at peace, while others who appear to have everything remain restless.
The Greek philosopher Aristotle had a word, eudaimonia. Unlike our modern idea of happiness, it was not about feeling good all the time. It meant living well.
A flourishing life was one shaped by wisdom, courage, generosity, honesty, and justice.
His insight was simple but profound. We often think happiness produces goodness.
Aristotle believed the opposite. Becoming a good person, a virtuous person, is what produces the deepest kind of wellbeing. Modern science has ended up remarkably close to that ancient conclusion.
One reason may be that virtues improve relationships, and relationships are among the strongest predictors of well-being. Kind people make better friends. Forgiving people repair relationships more easily. Honest people build trust. Generous people create communities where others want to belong.
Another reason is that virtues quiet the turmoil inside us. Gratitude shifts our attention toward what is present rather than what is missing. Forgiveness frees us from carrying resentment for years. Hope gives us strength when circumstances are difficult. Humility allows us to learn instead of constantly defending ourselves.
None of these qualities remove suffering, but they often change how suffering shapes us.
I have also noticed something else. The people I admire most rarely spend much time chasing happiness. They spend their energy becoming more loving, more generous, more patient, more courageous, more connected to others, less perfectionistic.
Happiness seems to arrive almost as a side effect.
Happiness often sneaks up on us while we are absorbed in something meaningful—helping a neighbor, listening to a friend, learning a new skill, caring for a grandchild, singing with others, planting a garden, or working for a cause larger than ourselves.
Our attention shifts away from ourselves and toward being present to life itself.
Religious traditions have expressed this insight in different ways for centuries. Although they differ in beliefs about God, they agree surprisingly often about character. Compassion, generosity, justice, gratitude, humility, forgiveness, honesty, and love appear again and again as the qualities that make for a good life.
Perhaps character is humanity's oldest self-help program.
When I look back over my own life, some of the years that changed me the most also contained the greatest pain. Yet they also taught me more patience, empathy, gratitude, and perspective in ways laying on the beach never could.
I would never wish suffering on anyone, but I have come to believe that hardship can become the workshop where character is quietly built.
What might be of great value in living a good life then is zeroing in on becoming people of stronger character. Asking ourselves questions like: Am I becoming kinder? More curious? More grateful? More courageous? More forgiving?
Perhaps that is the quiet secret the psychologists, philosophers, and sages have all been pointing toward. Flourishing is not simply something that happens to us.
It grows from the person we are becoming when we “shut up.” Shut up our ego, shut up our entitlement, shut up our why me, shut up the internal noise telling us we should be pursuing more money and better looks and faster cars than our neighbors rather than connecting with them.
Instead, we should “suit up.” Do what is necessary to become a person of virtue.
“Show up” as a person of character in real life. Do what life is asking of us.
A Few Ideas for Us to Try Out If We Dare:
Choose one virtue to practice intentionally each morning. It might be kindness, gratitude, patience, curiosity, or courage. At the end of the day, spend just two minutes reflecting on when you lived it well and where you missed an opportunity.
Notice someone whose character you admire. Instead of envying their success, ask yourself, "What quality in them do I want to grow in myself?" Then practice that quality in one small way.
When life becomes difficult, ask a different question. Instead of "Why is this happening to me?" try asking, "What kind of person is this experience inviting me to become?"
How might we journey together to the good life by becoming people of virtue and good character by shutting up, suiting up, and showing up?
(Good article here on asking and delving into the question of is kindness a lost virtue in America. "If you see kindness, you do kindness." That is one good quote from the article. A solution to building kindness and all virtues is to be able to see them and understand them. Our weekly compassion circle as well as the youth group I mentor starts out every session by bringing to mind where we have seen, given, or received expression of kindness. When we change what we notice in ourselves and others, our entire reality shifts, our emotional chemistry is altered, we transform how we respond to life. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change," Wayne Dyer. Take a look at that virtue matrix again. Lots of virtues to find in yourself and others to get the ball rolling on building character.)