Dare We Go to the Far Edge of Gratitude?

“I have come to love the thing I most wish had not happened.” — Stephen Colbert

When Stephen Colbert said those words in a 2015 interview, the audience went silent. He was speaking about the tragedy that shaped his childhood — the loss of his father and two brothers in a plane crash. It’s hard to imagine loving such pain.

Yet Colbert said that without the tragedy, he wouldn’t have become who he is. Somehow, heartbreak became... a portal, a doorway to something very big. I'm not sure what to call it, except maybe Gratitude in the largest sense of the concept, maybe bigger than we have ever thought about.

That paradox — that we can be grateful even for what breaks us — runs like a quiet current through the world’s wisdom traditions. The Psalms speak of giving thanks “in all circumstances,” not only in pleasant ones. The Stoics urged amor fati — the love of fate. Rumi invited us to “welcome and entertain them all,” even sorrow and shame, because each guest may be “a guide from beyond.”

Modern psychology, too, is catching up. Researchers like Robert Emmons and Sonja Lyubomirsky have shown that gratitude isn’t just an emotion that follows good fortune; it can also be a lens that reshapes how we interpret adversity. When we look back on our suffering through the eyes of gratitude, we see not just the pain, but the helpers who appeared, the strength we didn’t know we had, the tenderness that grew in us. Gratitude doesn’t erase suffering; it transforms it into meaning.

John O’Leary knows this truth in his bones — quite literally. When he was nine, an explosion left nearly every inch of his body burned. In the film On Fire, he’s asked whether he wishes the accident had never happened. At first he says yes — who wouldn’t? But later, after reflecting on the outpouring of love he received, the courage he found, and the people whose lives he’s touched since, he changes his answer. The tragedy became the soil of his Gratitude.

It’s a radical idea: Gratitude not as denial, but as alchemy — the ability to turn suffering into compassion, loss into wisdom, despair into awe. This is what the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche meant when he said, “What if joy were deeper because of pain?”

To love the thing we most wish had not happened is not to call it good, but to recognize that life can bring goodness from it. It is to say: “This, too, belongs.” Gratitude of this kind is not soft or sentimental; it is the fiercest form of hope.

Believe me I hesitate to write this because I know people who have had absolutely horrendous things happen to them.  But I trust those who have been through hell and come out with beauty through a deep, deep encounter – maybe even a spiritual encounter with Gratitude.

Seeds to Plant if we seek this deepest, far out encounter with Gratitude

• Think of one event in your life you wish had never happened. What, if anything, grew from it — empathy, perspective, purpose, courage?

• Write a brief note of gratitude — not for the suffering, but for what it taught you or revealed to you.

• Whisper to yourself: “This, too, has shaped me. And I give thanks.”

  
  

Blessings for the Journey

May we learn, in time, to love not just the sunlight but the shadows that have deepened our seeing. May we trust that even in the ashes, something luminous is also there.

How might we journey together to the Good Life by considering that even the worst that has happened to us may offer us a blessing?

(May I offer my sincere gratitude to you, dear readers, and companions of the journey? You continue to offer me insights and wisdom and encouragement. A special word of thanks to Dr. Gene Sharratt who gave me this quote on a sheet of paper in big bold type and set me to pondering about what I call...this far edge of gratitude.)

I wrote this blog and the last few blogs before ahead of time...before John and I were to leave for our first river cruise to the place where we met, fell in love, and married - Germany. On that note, I thought you might be interested in what research has uncovered when it comes to thanking our spouse (highly recommended) and others in impactful ways.

You'd think it would be to talk about all the benefits we have reaped from an action that someone took on our behalf. That is a nice ways of thanking another. But the bigger impact comes from offering gratitude in a way that makes clear you understand what it took on their behalf to give you the "gift" they shared.

For example, perhaps your spouse paid attention to you when you had a sad face, took the time to gently explore what was going on for you. Afterwards, you recognize that the gesture had meant purposefully diverting attention from watching a favorite hockey team play. An impactful thank you, according to the gratitude researchers, recognizes and acknowledges what was done on your behalf.

By now, John and I have returned from Deutschland and are probably sharing Thanksgiving with our older son and his family. We are getting close to returning home with some new stories and energy and gratitude in heaps... and let me express my gratitude to you dear readers. Let me start with what you have provided to me. Primarily - courage. Courage to keep muddling along because I know you are there.

Now let me imagine what that has taken on your part. You have noticed and yet chosen not to focus on my blunders of all sorts. Rather you have continued to find something of importance, distilled it, added to it, and encouraged me to carry on. That took time and thought, more than a superficial reading. It took mental exertion. Sometimes, you have done scary things - you have opened yourself, made yourself vulnerable, in the hopes it would help. And, on top of everything, some of you really hate technology. Yet you have endured its frustrations to support me and join me in the ups and downs of the human journey.

Most of all, thank you, dear husband, for diligently noticing what is important to me and making it important to you. Appreciatively, June