Tough or Tender? The Virtuous Balance of the Values Undergirding a Flourishing Life, Family, and Society

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.— F. Scott Fitzgerald, author

We are living in a time that tempts us toward simplification. I was thinking that last night as I watched some of the State of the Union address and read accounts and opinions this morning. 

Politics feels binary. Even the U.S. ice hockey teams and Olympians seem to be pushed into one camp or another. Public speech grows sharp. Even virtue itself seems to divide into camps — as if strength and protection belongs to one tribe and compassion to another.

Last night I heard stand up if you believe "the first duty of the American government is to protect American citizens, not illegal aliens." Quick. Make it clear. Which will it be? Tough or tender?

But flourishing — personally, in our families, and as a nation — has never been built on half a character.

If F. Scott Fitzgerald is right, maturity is not about eliminating tension. It is about holding it. About functioning wisely while two goods pull in different directions.

At the heart of much of our cultural friction lies an ancient moral tension: toughness and tenderness.

The Case for Toughness

The instinct toward toughness runs deep in both Scripture and history.

In the struggling Jamestown colony of 1608, starvation threatened survival. Captain John Smith enforced a stark rule: “He that will not work shall not eat.” The policy targeted idle settlers (the "gentlemen" were the culprits) who expected provision without contribution. It was severe — but it saved the colony.

Smith drew directly from Scripture. In Second Epistle to the Thessalonians 3:10, the Apostle Paul writes, “If anyone is not willing to work, neither should he eat.” Paul was addressing disorder in the early church — people who had stopped contributing and were living off others.

The principle is not cruelty. It is contribution. Doing our part builds dignity and self-worth. Toughness says effort matters. Choices matter. Human beings thrive when they believe their actions shape their future. Psychologists call this an internal locus of control, and research consistently links it to resilience and life satisfaction.

Toughness builds muscle — moral and emotional muscle. But muscle alone does not create a good life. And toughness can go way wrong and devolve into rigidity and plain ole meanness. That's not good for health or relationships.

The Case for Tenderness

Scripture is equally clear about tenderness.

“Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed.” — Psalm 85 85:10

Truth without mercy becomes brutality. Mercy without truth becomes chaos.

The Biblical story does not elevate law above love. In 1 Corinthians 13, love is named the greatest virtue — the one that endures when all others fade. My own pastor echoes her mentor, "If you must err, err on the side of mercy."

Modern research echoes this ancient wisdom. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, spanning more than eighty years, has found that the quality of our close relationships predicts long-term health and happiness more powerfully than wealth or fame.

Former director George Vaillant summarized decades of findings in a simple sentence: “Happiness is love. Full stop.” Current director Robert Waldinger continues to demonstrate that connection protects both body and soul.

And I have written before about the research related to "survival of the kindest" societies which researchers like Dr. Dacher Keltner bring into the forefront... versus survival of the fittest which seems to have been totally misunderstood. And I have written many, many places of the benefits of compassion (as in my previous blog.)

What are the dangers of compassion if unskillfully practiced? Being exploited - taken advantage of, experiencing exhaustion and resentment, not holding accountability. That's not good for health or relationships either.

Politics, Parenting, and Personal Life

Toughness-gone-wrong, practiced unskillfully, that is, without understanding and kindness, can turn into brutality and violence.

Tenderness-gone-wrong, practiced unskillfully, that is, without grit and discipline, can turn into fragility and weakness.

We see this tension clearly in politics. One moral instinct emphasizes work, order, discipline, and accountability.

Another emphasizes safety nets, healthcare, and collective care. Beneath policy debates are two legitimate values: strength and care.

Healthy societies need both.

We see it in parenting. Children require warmth and belonging. They also require boundaries and expectation. The healthiest families communicate two messages at the same time:

“I love you no matter what.”

“And I believe you are capable and it is in your best interest to learn to do hard things.”

The very best parenting research continues to suggest that authoritarian parenting (high control, low warmth) does not go well long term (leads to anxiety, poor self-worth, poor relationships, rebellion, and aggression), nor does permissive parenting (high warmth, low structure, few expectations or boundaries, rare enforcement of rules) parenting. The golden mean - authoritative parenting (balances high expectations and clear rules with warmth, responsiveness, and open communications) seems to lead to the best outcomes for youngsters. (Worth remembering here the mantra of my friend Dr. Gene Sharratt, "Connection BEFORE correction.")

Remove expectation, and resilience suffers.

Remove tenderness, and shame grows.

And this tension lives quietly within each of us.

When we fail, toughness asks, What must I change?

Tenderness asks, Can I treat myself kindly while I grow?

Toughness-gone-wrong becomes beating yourself up.

Tenderness-gone-wrong becomes excuse-making.

Individually, they can both end with less than stellar outcomes. Sometimes even horrrendous outcomes. Integrated, they form resilience and flourishing.

Flourishing research supports this balance. Discipline and grit matter. So do relationships. Perseverance builds competence. Care builds meaning. Strength and connection together sustain a good life. I'm not saying it is precisely a 50 percent tough/50 tenderness ideal split, but I am trying to make the case that both toughness and tenderness, as I have talked about them here, are useful virtues and values which can help us thrive if they are skillfully used. And I have written previously about the futility (and human penchant) of going to extremes...and encouraging us to aim for the golden mean or as Hegel would say, a synthesis.

But the Ballot Is Binary

I am thinking ahead.  You and I must make choices. The ballot, of course, does not allow us to circle the combo we need. I will take a bit (a half or a fourth or three-fourths) of that republican candidate and a bit (a half, a fourth, or three-fourths) of that democratic one.

At some point we select one direction. Personally, I have sometimes voted for Republicans and sometimes voted for Democrats. What do we do at this time in history? (If someone convinced me that he/she could bring the parties together to effectively collaborate, I would go for that one.)

First, I remember that probably no candidate carries the full weight of virtue. I know my friends on both sides will gasp at this. Mature citizenship means consciously weighing trade-offs rather than pretending perfection.

Second, I guard my heart. Vote firmly — but refuse contempt. We all can learn to oppose policies without dehumanizing neighbors.

Third, practice steadiness after the vote. If my chosen candidate loses, I will not collapse into despair. If my chosen candidate wins, I will resist triumphalism and excessive celebration. Our society depends on citizens who can lose without rage and win without arrogance. I realize that some of my friends will be in pain no matter who wins or loses.

And finally — I will remember that voting does not fully determine how our lives, our journey together, will go.

The Good Life is built less in capitals than in communities. Let's hold on to that. We can continue to behave in ways that cultivate relationships and build strong communities, and promote agency. To develop community, we can do some healthy tender things like:

• Check on a neighbor.

• Volunteer at a school.

• Mentor a child.

• Support a local business.

• Serve at a shelter.

• Join a community board.

• Cook a meal for someone who is struggling.

• Give generously.

Of course, I always remind myself and others to get out the door each Thursday at 5:00 and go to our Cashmere community meals where people of all politics, different ages and ethnicities, religions and no religions, and plenty of opinions come together, cook together, eat together, celebrate birthdays and anniversaries together. Most of these actions can support the tender aspects of ourselves.

Let's suppose that you want some healthy practices to develop your toughness (your agency).

• Keep small promises to yourself and others. Agency grows when you do what you say you will do.

• Do one hard thing weekly by yourself...a new skill, initiate conversation with a stranger, do something that stretches you beyond you comfort zone.

• At day's end, identify one thing you actively participated in, were not passive.

• Admit mistakes without defensiveness - responsibility strengthens toughness

• Strengthen the body - lift, walk, run. Physical endurance reinforces mental endurance.

Some of the tenderness bullet points can also work to develop agency, like serving at a shelter or joining a community board. Other healthy ideas for joining the two (tender and tough) sound like:

"I love you deeply and I expect you to grow." (parenting)

"We will uphold standards; we will not abandon the vulnerable." (politics)

"I will take responsibility; I will treat myself kindly." (self)

No election can come close to substituting for what we embody daily in our lives.

Toughness and tenderness done well and together are not political strategies. They are healthy habits that lead to thriving that we can practice in kitchens, classrooms, churches, and city councils. Together.

We may fill in one circle on a ballot. But every day we have lots of choices in how we live in healthy ways and flourish together.

How might we move up to the Good Life by learning how to skillfully hold healthy toughness and healthy tenderness together so that flourish?

A good book related to this subject was written by the marvelous, Jonathan Haidt (the same guy who is getting schools and parents to be disciplined around youth cellphone use):

"To be happy at home is the end of all human endeavor. The sun looks down on nothing half so good as a household laughing together over a meal, or two friends talking over a pint of beer, or a person alone reading a book that interests them; and all economics, politics, laws, armies, and institutions, are only valuable in so far as they prolong and multiply such scenes."

Source: The Weight of Glory (edited lightly for clarity)